|Age||13 years old during EarthBound, 1,000 to 10,000 years old during Mother 3|
|Relatives||Picky Minch, Lardna Minch, Aloysius Minch|
|Affiliations||Happy Happyist cult, Giygas, Pigmask Army|
|Appears in||EarthBound, Mother 3, Super Smash Bros. Brawl|
|Nom de guerre||Heavily Armed Pokey|
|Location||The Cave of the Past|
|Nom de guerre||Porky|
|Hit points||6569¹, 9999²|
|Location||Underneath New Pork City¹²|
- "With my eternal life, I will see the world through to its end. Until everyone who won't like me is gone."
- — Porky Minch (Mother 3)
Pokey Minch (ポーキー・ミンチPōkī Minchi), named Porky Minch in Super Smash Bros. Brawl and the Mother 3 fan translation, is a character in EarthBound and Mother 3, but also appears non-canonically in Super Smash Bros. Brawl. A portly and obnoxious next-door neighbor, he is Ness's neighbour in the suburbs of Onett and the older brother of Picky Minch. Pokey's family seems to hold a grudge against Ness's, because his father, Aloysius Minch, allegedly loaned a few hundred thousand dollars to Ness's father (though Aloysius admits it could have been a lot less), and was never repaid. Although he and his father found work in Fourside as consultants for the city's mayor, the Minches continued to feud with Ness's family.
Pokey's battle music in EarthBound is untitled, but it is known as "Cease to Exist" in Japan and "Pokey Means Business" elsewhere. His themes in Mother 3 are "Master Porky's Theme" and "Absolutely Safe Capsule", and are played during the initial confrontations with him and following his retreat into the Absolutely Safe Capsule, respectively.
At the beginning of EarthBound, Pokey lives with his parents, Aloysius and Lardna, and his younger brother Picky in the house next door to Ness's. He likes to play practical jokes, and Shigesato Itoi has stated that he does not have any friends and therefore likely played only with Ness most of the time. When a Meteorite lands north of their houses in Onett, Pokey and his younger brother Picky sneak out of their house to investigate.
When Picky turns up missing, Pokey turns to Ness, pleading him to help him find his younger brother, clearly because he is too cowardly to go alone. After sweet-talking Ness's mother and convincing Ness to help him, they head off to look for Picky. At the meteorite landing site, Ness, Pokey, and Picky meet Buzz Buzz, an alien from 10 years in the future. Pokey learns of the impending destruction of the universe at the hands of Giygas, but convinces himself that he is not one of the heroes that the alien speaks of. Suddenly, they are confronted by one of Giygas's cohorts, Starman Junior. Pokey cowers in fear while Ness and Picky assist Buzz Buzz in defeating the alien. After Ness escorts Pokey and Picky safely home, Pokey isn't seen again for some time.Pokey first resurfaces as a high priest of the Happy Happyist cult, led by Carpainter. Pokey kidnaps Paula with the intention of performing a human sacrifice. After he confronts Ness, he orders two of the cult's followers and a Spiteful Crow to attack Ness. After the cult is disbanded, he and his father end up working as business consultants for Fourside's mayor Geldegarde Monotoli. He uses the money to live a luxurious life, but he eventually steals Monotoli's helicopter after Monotoli is confronted by Ness. That helicopter is shown to have crashed in the Deep Darkness, and Pokey is again not seen again for a long period of time. Nevertheless, Pokey still causes trouble for Ness behind the scenes: it is revealed that Pokey stole the first Phase Distorter in order to escape to the Cave of the Past.
Pokey finally reappears at the right hand of Giygas within the Cave of the Past, pale and discolored from side-effects of time traveling, in an organic spider-like mech. At this point, Pokey reveals to Ness that it was Giygas that had been leading him all along. He expresses to Ness his new belief that Giygas should destroy the universe, and attacks Ness and his friends (in their robotic forms) alongside Giygas. Once Giygas is destroyed, Pokey uses time travel to escape into another era, but not before taunting Ness one last time. His last message comes through Picky in a suspicious hate letter that says, "Come and get me, loser! Spankety spankety spankety!"
In Mother 3
Throughout most of Mother 3, Porky's presence is never explicitly mentioned, though it is implied. As early as Chapter 4, there are references to "King P", such as a mention in the DCMC song title. Throughout the game, there are also references to "Pork" in different scenarios, such as "Pork Troopers" or "Bag of Pork Chips". In the Thunder Tower in Chapter 5, Porky's playroom is visited, with numerous references to EarthBound in it, though it is merely talked about as "the King's playroom". Finally, at the end of Chapter 7, it is clearly stated that the King is indeed Porky, and Lucas and his friends are brought to his city of New Pork City. Here, Porky's presence is emphasized, with many statues and dolls of him appearing, as well as a theater that shows pictures from EarthBound.
The aforementioned playroom and Leder's speech, as well as the appearance of the Porky idols, imply that Porky is somehow still a child in the time. Throughout the Empire Porky Building, Porky taunts Lucas and co. through his intercom. When the top of the tower is finally reached, Porky himself appears, looking only slightly older than his EarthBound self. He then asks the player if they want to befriend him, but once they answer, he explodes, revealing himself to only be a robot version of Porky. Several other Mecha-Porkies join, battling Lucas all at once. When this is over, the actual Porky arrives in his spider mech. However, his appearance has changed significantly; he is extremely old and frail, coughing in nearly every sentence because of his misuse of time travel. He explains how his servant is about to pull the final needle, and that there is nothing Lucas & co. can do about it. After that, he leaves in a shortcut to the location.
Porky soon confronts them in a large spider mecha near the final battle location. Throughout the battle, he reveals that he has learned PSI, being able to perform inexplicable attacks much like Giygas could. During the battle, he explains that due to time travel, he has become immortal, as well as unkillable, stressing that when the Dark Dragon is awakened, only he and the Dragon will be the only ones left so that everyone who does not like him will be gone, and that he is prepared for such a fate. When he sees he is to be defeated, he calls upon the Absolutely Safe Capsule and climbs inside. It seals Porky inside, and being true to its name, it protects Porky from all harm. However, Porky finds that he cannot harm the heroes, either. When the battle ends, Dr. Andonuts reveals that he built the Absolutely Safe Capsule with the specifications that once someone is inside, the machine cannot be opened by anyone, including the person inside of it. So while Pokey is indeed "absolutely safe", he is trapped in the machine forever, doomed to spend eternity in isolation. Andonuts even feels sympathy for the tyrant, as in his own words, ". . . All he can do now is spend eternity inside the capsule, in absolute safety. Shigesato Itoi has confirmed this by stating that because of this, Porky will still be alive 5.5 billion years from now .
At the end of the game, when the player is traveling in the darkness, they come into contact with an object that rolls with glee. While they may not be able to tell what it is, it is most likely Porky having survived the destruction of the land, as the Pigmask theme plays when you touch it. It is possible that he actually felt better after the events that took place.
In both games, Porky Minch is shown to be very immature and childish, even when his body ages beyond his own measure. He can be extremely obnoxious, and is also shown to be very selfish and egotistical, which Shigesato Itoi says is likely due to how terrible and abusive his parents were. Porky does not appear to be self-conscious about his weight, or his resemblance to a pig (as King P, the naming of virtually every facet of his empire refers to pigs, such as the Pigmask Army, and New Pork City). Though he is naturally mischievous, after Porky is corrupted by Giygas, his childish sense of humor becomes increasingly malicious. He actively seeks the destruction of the universe in EarthBound, and in Mother 3 his antics nearly wipe out the Nowhere Islands, costing the lives of an untold number of the island's inhabitants, at the very least the lives of Hinawa and Claus. Porky's actions were more than likely due to wanting friendship, according to Shigesato Itoi, and that Porky himself is like a poem.
In Super Smash Bros. Brawl
Pokey Minch also appears in the adventure mode of Super Smash Bros. Brawl, The Subspace Emissary, as a boss. Here, he is seen as a high-ranked member of the Subspace Army who attacks Lucas in The Ruined Zoo using his Pig King Statue and a fleet of Primids. Before the Statue can kill Lucas, Ness appears and destroys the Statue with PK Flash. From the exploding Statue emerges Pokey in his Mother 3 spider mech, but he is quickly defeated by Ness and Lucas in a boss battle.
In this appearance he is referred to "Porky", a more proper translation of his name. It was most likely changed for this game because of his pig-themed empire in Mother 3, as well as all the signs saying "PORKY" in New Pork City.
- As with Giygas before him, Pokey's attacks in Mother 3 are stated to be inexplicable (more specifically, "What did Porky do?!") although one is described as "spraying" ("Porky sprayed something from some sort!"), while another is described as "sucking" in nature. Another one has an animation as if a party character was throwing a bomb (Though Porky's animation shows him "throwing" lots of bombs).
- Despite his rivalry with Ness in EarthBound, it's likely that Pokey actually admired his neighbor, and desperately wanted to be his friend. In Mother 3, for example, the cinema in New Pork City shows a film chronicling Ness's adventures in EarthBound, and a cinema employee states that Pokey hand-selected the film to be shown. Pokey also has a large collection of EarthBound memorabilia on the 100th floor of the Empire Pork Building. Finally, the yo-yo weapon that Lucas can obtain in Pokey's play room in Thunder Tower is called the Friend's Yo-Yo, meaning that Pokey may have still thought of Ness as a friend. It is apparent that he also treasures it, and possibly misses Ness, as his robotic maid only cares about that specific object. This theory is supported by the fact that when Ness is in Magicant, Pokey expresses his desire to be Ness's friend forever. This likely symbolizes the innocence Pokey had before Giygas attacked.
- In the Japanese version of EarthBound known as Mother 2, Pokey states that if his parents find out he and Picky were out late, he gets spanked 100 times; this had to be changed because of child abuse/violence. Thus, in the American version of EarthBound, he only says that if his dad gets back he'll really get it. (He gets no dessert for the rest of the decade.)
- In an unused set of sprites found in Mother 3, Porky's Bed Mecha breaks, and he rises from the mech in a capsule, perhaps in an attempt to escape, only to fall to the floor, breaking the capsule and dies. It is also hinted that he was going to apologize for the last time.
- Pokey's "skills" as a temporary party member in EarthBound are as follows:
- Complains to Ness.
- Uses Ness as a shield.
- Pretends to cry.
- Smiles insincerely.
- Plays dead.
- Thinks to himself.
- Apologizes profusely.
- Tries to edge closer to the enemy.
- Acts all innocent.
Obviously, Pokey does not assist Ness in battles.
- Pokey doesn't like Steak, which happens to be Ness's favorite food.
List of Quotes
- "Spankety, spankety, spankety!"
- "Ness, let's be friends again. Please answer me. I promise to be good. ...uh...okay... (walks away slowly) Hah! I lied! See you, sucker!"
- Response to Buzz Buzz: "Three boys, he said? ...Uhhh...I'm not one of those three, am I?...'Cause... I'm not into this kind of thing at all..."
- (after punishment,) "My dad really came after me... he said I don't get dessert for an entire decade..."
- "Heh heh heh heh. You must really be at the end of your rope."
- "In this bizarre dimension, you four are the only force fighting for justice..."
- "And here you stand, ' waiting to be burned up with all the rest of the garbage of this universe..."
- "Haaaaah! That's so sad. I can't help but shed a tear."
- "You know, my heart is beating incredibly fast."
- "...I must be experiencing absolute terror!"
- "Do you want to scream for help here in the dark?!"
- "Ha ha ha ha ha!"
- "Why not call your mommy, Ness! Say, "Mommy! Daddy! I'm so frightened! I think I'm gonna wet my pants!"
- "I know you have telepathy, or something, so just try and call for help, you pathetically weak heroes of so-called justice!"
- "No one will help you now!"
- "Ha ha ha haah..."
- "Ness! Now, I...well...it's going to seem like I'm running away. But perhaps I'll just sneak away to another era to think about my next plan. It's a good bet that we'll see each other again... All right! I'll be seeing you! So now which one of us do you think is the cool guy?!"
- (through Picky's message) "Come and get me, loser! Spankety, spankety, spankety!"
- "*cough* *cough* *cough* *cough* This is really no time for games anymore. I don't feel like letting you go any further."
- "If you're after the needle, then don't worry. My adorable monster is on its way to it as we speak."
- "Huh? That monster's name is Claus? It's name was Claus? That almost sounds like a person's name! But now it's my robot. Not even a fragment of life remains inside it. It's Master Porky's slave robot! It does whatever I say! It acts on my will alone. It's my double. It doesn't know anything about who you are."
- "Let me fill you in on something. No matter how much you attack me, I'll never die. Even if I somehow wind up beaten, I'll never die. Bet you didn't know that, did you?"
- "If the dragon wakes up, it might end up destroying everything and extinguishing all life. Even so, ahaha aha ahahahahahaha!!"
- "I've gone through time and space so many times I haven't aged like a normal person. Who knows, I might be 1000 years old, or even 10,000 years old. But despite that, I'm still the same kid at heart! Is that funny? It is, isn't it? Does it make you laugh? *cough* *wheeze* Are you laughing at me?!"
- "Now do you see?! Now do you understand the sadness Master Porky bears now that he's Godlike?"